there are three words in 'i love you'
by Galaxia Alpha
Summary: CloTi oneshot. Cloud decides to move on. Written in prosepoetryish form. Don't ask what I was thinking... Spikey hair destruction ahead. Be warned.


This takes place the night after Advent Children ends.

I'm deliberately breaking grammar rules here. Be prepared.

Please let me know what you think, as this is not the typical kind of stuff I post. Thanks.

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there are three words in 'i love you' and he can't get past the first

so he sits on the side of his bed in the early morning hours  
drops his head in his hands  
and thinks

three important things happened today  
1. he almost lost everything in a fight with sephiroth/kadaj/jenova/himself  
2. he had been healed and given another chance  
3. zack and aeris had left him

one last smile on her face and a 'you'd better not mess up this time you dork' look on zack's was all he got before they turned their backs, walked away, and moved on

he blinks into his palms  
what's it mean to move on?

today, as they left the church, denzel had looked at him and said 'i want to be just like you when i grow up' and he didn't know if he meant zack or sephiroth or cloud—

wait, he's cloud  
let's try that again  
today, as they left the church, denzel had looked at him and said 'i want to be just like you when i grow up' and he didn't know if he meant zack or sephiroth or _himself_—

what is it like to grow up?  
he doesn't really know because he spent those crucial teenage years in a test tube  
and he never got to decide to be a man  
but suddenly everybody was looking at him and expecting him to be  
but he never got to decide  
so he's been rebelling  
ever since

three important things happened today but he has two important conclusions  
1. it's time to move on  
2. it's time to grow up

throwing back his head and laughing at the simplicity of it all  
he stands  
bed springs creaking—crying?—saying goodbye to the man/child/zack/sephiroth/cloud hybrid freak that he is—was—  
isn't going to be anymore  
and he walks into the bathroom  
closes the door (it's like all those times Zack came home from drinking and--)  
closes off the memories  
closes his eyes  
he opens them again to look at his reflection in the mirror  
too-bright blond hair spiked ridiculously and wild like zack's used to be—  
zack—  
the hair must go

so it does  
he's not sure exactly how to do it at first  
so he creates a step-by-step procedure for himself to make sure he gets it right  
1. cut hair with scissors  
2. adjust blade on electric razor (he doesn't want to look bald, only buzzed)  
3. shave head  
he repeats the steps to himself as he performs them  
as the thick clumps fall into the garbage pail  
and the tiny spikes fall into the sink like confetti  
it's a party  
and he feels strangely like dancing  
but he doesn't know how

when he's done he looks at the new person  
the last new person  
the only person  
he will ever be  
now  
now  
what's that?  
a smile  
_his _smile  
a slight concave of the lips so precisely tiny that it has to be intentional to exist  
and a lifting of the eyes  
_his_ eyes  
that have always been blue  
like a cloudless sky

he frowns  
zack had blue eyes  
they will be the one reminder of when he wasn't him

next come the clothes  
off off off  
SOLDIER styled pants and tank top flying through the air  
the wolf's head amulet clanking on the floor  
(another reminder of zack)  
and the ribbon  
aeris' ribbon  
around his arm  
he pauses

there will be two reminders of when he wasn't him

he's down to his boxers now and he  
shuts his eyes  
and pushes down all the memories that want to flood his mind  
packs them up into boxes  
three boxes  
one for each of them  
when he seals the lids he  
looks in the mirror  
tilts his head  
and recognizes himself  
for the first time  
in forever

underneath all the boyish hair  
all the desperate accessories  
and the childhood dream wrapped in military clothing  
there is the man he's been wanting to be—is  
"cloud strife" he says  
"i'm cloud strife"  
and it's invigorating  
excited, he says it again  
and again  
and he wants to show someone  
he wants to show _her  
_so he leaves the bathroom and stops at his closet to get dressed again  
but he doesn't have any clothes  
they are all zack's  
and sephiroth's  
and thankfully, none are aeris'  
but none are cloud's—_his_

running a hand over his fuzzy head (it feels good)  
and shrugging  
he decides he doesn't care  
he's ready anyway  
so he walks down the hall and knocks on tifa's door  
and when she opens it blearily  
he sticks out his hand and says  
"hi, i'm cloud strife"  
then he smiles (_his_ smile)  
blushes a little  
and says  
"i need to shop for clothes"  
"and…"  
a pause, just to make sure he gets the words right  
"i love you."

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A/N: I don't know where this comes from. Hey, I don't even know if it works. But at least, it was interesting to write. Thanks for reading.


End file.
